About Tom Pride

Sarcastic, cynical, petty, vindictive and paranoid. But apart from that .............

How The Gove Stole Summer (with apologies to Dr. Suess)

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How The Gove Stole Summer

In which Dr. Suess posthumously questions Michael Gove’s decision to abolish summer holidays for school children 

Every schoolchild in England liked summer a lot...
But the Gove, who lived in Westminster, did NOT!
The Gove hated summer! The whole summer season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason, his shoes or his heart,
Gove stood there in July, watching school holidays start,
Staring down from his office with a sour, Govey frown,
At the happy boys and girls below in the town.
"They're happy and carefree!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is summer holidays! They're practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Gove fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop summer from coming!"
For tomorrow, he knew, all the children would wake,
Bright and early the next morning to a long summer break.

And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing Gove hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
And he knew all the children would play and be happy.
And they'd play! And be happy! Be HAPPY!
HAPPY! HAPPY!
They'd play games in the garden, and eat lots of tasty snacks,
Instead of doing tests, and going up chimney stacks,
And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every schoolchild in England, the tall and the small,
Once summer vacation was fully in swing,
Would play and be happy and forget who was KING!
They'd play and forget HE was king! KING!
KING! KING!

And the more the Gove thought what summmer would bring,
The more the Gove thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, I've put up with being a nobody for so long till now!"
"I MUST stop this summer from coming! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GOVE GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The GOVE laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick costume from parts of a goat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great GOVEY trick!"
"With these horns and these hooves, I look just like Old Nick!"

"All I need is a reason..." The Gove looked around.
But, since his reason was scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Gove? No! The Gove simply said,
"If I can't find a reason, I'll invent one instead!"
So he called his friend, Murdoch. And they made up some shit,
About selling off playing fields and being forced to permit 
The wholesale starvation and privatisation,
Of the nation's school buildings and state education.

Now I'm sorry this tale is so short and so snappy,
But unlike the original, this ending won't be so happy.
Because the GOVE isn't just a fictional monstrosity,
He's real flesh and blood, and full of pomposity,
So parents watch out! It's not just the summer vacation,
The GOVE'S out to get YOU - and your children's education!

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You can get Dr Seuss’s original version here:

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

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Witches outraged at being compared to former prime minister Margaret Thatcher

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(satire – probably)

Witches across the country are expressing their outrage after left-wing critics of Baroness Thatcher – who died of a stroke last week at the age of 87 – have tried to compare them to the former prime minister.

One prominent witch explained the reasons why they have taken such offence at the comparison:

Under her premiership Margaret Thatcher was responsible for the break-up of communities right across the country, the loss of millions of jobs, three recessions, the sell-off of public utilities resulting in higher prices for gas, electricity and water, the criminalisation of homosexuality, higher rates of crime, the creation of a huge gap between the rich and the poor, outsourcing of health and education to the detriment of both, a massive polarisation of society, deregulation of the banks leading to the present economic crisis, the sinking of the Argentinian ship the General Belgrano while it was withdrawing from the combat zone resulting in the loss of 323 men, politicisation of the police, the widespread destruction of working people’s rights, destruction of the country’s manufacturing industries, higher imports, support for brutal dictatorships like Pol Pot, Apartheid and Pinochet, a massive rise in prices for public transport along with a corresponding reduction in quality of service, a massive loss of social housing, an increase in child poverty to one of the highest amongst industrialised nations, the poll tax, the worship of selfishness and materialism and last but not least she snatched milk from the mouths of school children.

We witches on the other hand just like to dance around fires, keep black cats and whiz about on a broomstick occasionally.

How fair is that?

 

In a related development, female dogs have also expressed displeasure at being compared to former prime ministers and politicians.

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Immigration bombshell: Cameron’s (very) secret deal to allow a flood of cheap labour from India

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(not satire)

With opinion polls showing immigration – rightly or wrongly – the number one concern of voters, and with UKIP snapping at the heels of David Cameron,  you can only imagine how damaging it would be if the fact were ever to come out that the prime minister has secretly agreed to a flood of cheap labour from India into the UK.

Well, the fact is, he has.

And that’s probably why he and his media friends have been keeping really really quiet about it.

Here’s a question for you. What was the purpose of David Cameron’s recent trip to India?

Bilateral trade you might well say. After all, that was how it was spun in the UK media.

In India however, the truth is somewhat easier to find.

The main purpose of the trip was actually to boost completion of the EU/India Free Trade Agreement.

India’s sole demand in this agreement is that the EU allows Indian companies to supply cheap temporary labour into the EU – approximately 85% of which would be to the UK.

The Coalition will argue in its defence that the UK now has an ‘immigration cap’.

However, the government has excluded temporary workers from the cap and the trade agreement with India allows specifically for temporary workers to come to the UK.

Temporary? How temporary? Well, the UK government has stipulated that ‘temporary’ can be as long as 9-10 years.

Cameron may well also argue that the agreement only allows for ‘graduates’ or ‘students’ to work in the UK.

But what he won’t tell you is that the ‘graduates’ and ‘students’ only need to be classed as that status in India. In the UK they could take any jobs from factory workers and care assistants to doctors, teachers and accountants.

And finally the government will argue that there are restrictions on the numbers of certain kinds of workers who will be allowed into the UK.

What they won’t tell you is that there are no restrictions on the overall number of Indian workers who will be allowed into the UK.

For a more detailed analysis of the trade agreement and what it will mean for the UK, have a look at this excellent article here:

What was the real purpose of David Cameron’s visit to India?

The truth is, Cameron knows full well that this flood of cheap labour from India is sure to put a strain on employment, housing, health and public services in the UK as well as driving down wages and working conditions.

Of course, as long as this immigration bombshell is kept secret from the UK electorate, Cameron is counting on the effects of the agreement only being noticed well after the next election in 2015, by which time he’s hoping he will be in power for another 5 years anyway.

And needless to say, if this information were ever to get out – it would have a devastating effect on Cameron’s chances of winning the next election.

So best keep it to ourselves then, hadn’t we?

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Remarkable proof the horsemeat scandal – and cover-up – goes back to 1948!

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(not satire – it’s UK today! And yesterday. And the day before that.)

You probably thought the scandal of horsemeat secretly being used in place of beef is a modern phenomenon.

So did I.

But here’s a Pathe report which shows just how long the scandal has been going on in the UK - since 1948:

BRITISH PATHE - The Horsemeat Scandal 1948

As the Pathe man says in the news report:

Public feeling grows against the sinister trade. The country demands action ……..

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And the country’s still waiting for action. And waiting.

It seems the longer this government’s in power – the further back in time they’re sending us.

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Related posts:

The horse meat scandal – our food culture is to blame

Why Barclays and Co “can’t get no satisfaction” from food speculation.

Is Cameron’s Hunger Summit just a good photo opportunity?

Big finance and the great sell-off of ‘our’ natural assets.