(satire)

A senior member of the Conservative Party is facing accusations of abusing millions of children after it was revealed he was secretly cutting child benefits, maternity leave and tax credits for families on the lowest incomes under the cover of running the economy.

Police sources say the senior Tory – who we cannot identify for legal reasons – works in central London as a Chancellor of the Exchequer and looks like a bit of a twat.

The accusations come amidst speculation that a ring of sadistic degenerates may be occupying senior positions of government – including number 10.

senior Tories react to allegations of child abuse

The allegations are said to include evidence that another senior Tory – known only as “Uncle Duncan” –  regularly satisfies his most depraved and perverse proclivities by abusing the most vulnerable people such as the young, the sick and the disabled for his own pleasure.

The revelations come just weeks after another senior Tory, Lord McAlpine, decided not to sue North Wales Police for mistakenly naming him as a paedophile, but made the decision to sue the BBC and ITV instead – who didn’t.

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